"On this team I only want Martha, Bree, and Daisy to shoot three-pointers. I should never see the rest of you try to shoot a three-pointer," my former coach announced one afternoon during team practice.
For context, a three-pointer is a shot beyond the biggest arc around the hoop - 22 feet or 6 meters away from the rim. When the coach made the announcement, my heart shrunk because all my basketball life I shot three-pointers. It was shooting three-pointers that earned me a spot on the high school team. Contrary to the conventional 5v5 format, I love the 3v3 format which is played on a smaller court and requires more shooting three-pointers. It's quick-paced it is and how it calls for more shots, which I love to do.
When the pre-season games started, I was fielded for the first three games, and the next games, I was pushed further and further away from the coach to sit at the edge of the bench. I was barely in the team's rotation on game days and during team practice, I was among the players sidelined. When given a chance, I would play so hard to prove a point to the coach. I would play great defense and I prayed this could lead me back to the rotation but this still didn't grant me the chance to be in the rotation. I became the player who averaged 1000 claps per game and offered words of courage to my teammates. When my teammates would go to shower in the locker room after a game, I would gently slide back into my tracksuit because I had barely broken a sweat from clapping.
I got stuck in the loop of trying to impress the coach to get playing time. My confidence was diminishing each day and I started to dread the sport I once loved. In one game she fielded me for a few seconds and I received a pass in the last 5 seconds. Now the ideal thing to do in basketball especially if your team is losing, is to throw the ball to the opponent's rim irrespective of how far you are from the hoop. It may or may not enter or the player could get fouled and earn free shots. I held onto the ball and the words, “I should never see the rest of you try to shoot a three-pointer,” rushed through my mind. At the buzzer, I thrusted the ball from almost half-court and it entered the hoop but the basket wasn't counted.
When we got to the bench the coach said, “You are not even confident to take a shot and you want me to field you?”
I could write a whole memoir about how my confidence died in a span of four months but I will keep it short today.
The straw to the baggage on my back was when I got injured because I was playing such a great defense to impress her and she said, “You got injured because you were jealous of your roommate's success on the court.” I went into a downward spiral of depression and each day I was on the phone crying to my sister and a friend. I told my sister, “I can't afford a plane ticket but I am going to look for it and get out of this place. I hate myself each day and I adore death each day.”
I returned to Uganda without a clear plan for my next step in basketball, or education. I just wanted to regain my mind. I was skeptical about returning to college in the USA. I had an ACL injury which repelled coaches from me. I chose to live each day as it came while in Uganda. I tried surprising my depression but of course, I knew I would never heal unless I faced it.
One time I was invited on a radio show in Uganda to talk about life as a student athlete in the USA and I turned it down. A lot happened but fast forward, for those who have read my previous blogs, my current coach reached out to me with this offer. I felt like telling him, “I am damaged physically and mentally and you may be recruiting a burden,” but I took up the offer. One of the reasons I took the offer was because when most coaches reached out, I would inform them I was recovering from an ACL injury. Most coaches would immediately stop communicating and cut me off but when I told this coach I was recovering he said, “We have a great school trainer, you will be in safe hands.” It wasn't a full scholarship but I took it because I was talking to a human being on the other end of the call, not just a coach.
Fast forward, I arrived at the school in August and we started practice. I had never shot as many three-pointers as I shot with this coach. He wanted us to shoot every time we got a chance. If anyone watched my first games, I was scared to shoot and would pass the ball. I was scared of missing a shot and getting yelled at or losing my playing time. The day I posted a double-double in a game, 14 points 15 rebounds, I couldn't believe I was capable of doing that.
My current coach always says, “Take that shot. Every shot is a good look for us.”
Finding someone who believed in me greatly changed my outlook on the game once again. Of course, I was also putting in work like adopting meditation, saying positive affirmations, journaling, and keeping a positive group of people around me. Unfortunately, less than a month after my return to the court I tore my right ACL. I just had another surgery in January this year. I played for my current coach for only one month but I loved every minute of being on the floor for him. I hadn't gained my confidence yet to where it was before I got damaged but I am on the journey.
I often see so many college athletes posting videos about how their confidence has reduced each day they step on the floor. I watched a video where an athlete got up and left the bench in the middle of the game and she was done with this pressure of trying to impress her coach and feeling less of a human just because of her identity in basketball. I don't fault any of them for feeling this way. I have been there and the mind which is our greatest tool is also our greatest enemy in such situations. It's a vicious cycle of thoughts and thoughts which we drown in.
The Uganda Gazelles won the FIBA AfroBasketall qualifiers in Egypt and one of the players posted, “Jan of 2024, I swore I wouldn't play competitive basketball anymore to rebuild my mental health. A year later (now), I finally accepted to come represent my country with only 2 weeks of prep and first time playing 5v5. @GazellezUG you don't know what you just did for me.”
I could read through her pain and joy.
It's been nine months since I left the toxic environment but I can barely bring myself to have a full-blown chat about what transpired while I was at that college. I end up crying even when I think I have healed. But I remember to extend myself grace each day and look at the positives in my life.
I am making one month since I had surgery and the rate at which I am healing is tremendous. I am personally overwhelmed by this. Last year, I had the same surgery but struggled so hard that I had to get a second surgery to manipulate the first surgery. I am taking this as a miracle but I am also looking at the environment I am in. I am confident it's playing a role. A supportive system around me that is watching out for me at all times.
So dear athletes (actually anyone battling anything in your fields), at times losing your confidence is because of the environment you are in. Our minds need adrenaline boosters and oftentimes these come from the people around us. So hold strong for the time you can't change the environment but within that space seek company that uplifts you. Finally, one of the greatest lessons I have learned, my identity is not what I am on the court, my identity is in God. I know it sounds cliche and vague but there is peace in casting your burdens unto God and letting things follow in whatever direction they will flow. I don't want to lie that I am perfect, I still get episodes of worry for my future and anger towards my past.
Once again, look at all you have achieved in the past and tap your shoulder. Your one failure or mishap shouldn't make you feel less confident or half a human. You are worthy!
I have read it all. Thanks for always sharing your life journey with us.
Sorry that you had to go through that toxic environment with your first Coach. I am glad to read that God later opened another path along the way even though it came with an injury. I wish you a continued recovery. May get back to your full feet and do the sport that you love best.
And true, identity is not what you are on court, but identity is in God. Let no one ever try to bring you down. Keep strong, keep going. You are still conquering many more heights.
“Your one failure or mishap shouldn't make you feel less confident or half a human. You are worthy!”
Giving up is not an option..